In many ways me and Derek Zoolander are one of a kind.
Puzzlingly attractive in our own fucked up way, both big WHAM fans and an insatiable love of fashion, put us side by side and you couldn’t tell who was who.
However, most notably, both myself and Mr Zoolander have been brainwashed.
That said, the big man snapped out that when he was not drawn into killing the Malaysian prime minister, and by all accounts went onto do well for himself.
Me ? I’m still having my mind controlled by Celtic and tonight may very well have been my ‘Mugatu, shut it’ moment. It’s early days, but this evening could very well have been the turning point for the condition known as ‘Fiftynilitus’
Tonight, I predicted a 4-0 to Celtic. I usually assume we will smash teams, and more than always, I’m right, despite how much I am aware we are flat track bullies domestically and in Europe often found wanting. I consider myself a relatively smart man, yet there’s nothing that will change this mentality.
The last few seasons and even beyond have helped shape this mindset. We’ve had no challenge, cruised every single league campaign and even won a treble treble, without playing particularly well or trying, so it’s only natural to have this thought process.
The fact is, on Saturday, as good as we looked, and as hungry as we looked, Motherwell were deplorable, but highlighting this can look somewhat negative, and as a result, I overlooked that to assume we’d bring that second half form on Saturday into this evening’s game, again, while gleefully remembering how bad our defending was, but once more saying to myself ‘Ach, it’s Celtic but. Easy’.
Ahead in the tie on away goals, at home in front of a packed Celtic Park - where we haven’t lost at this stage since the Deila days - you’ll excuse me for predicting a ROMP.
Before kick off though, in an act of sheer insanity, Neil Lennon decided to look at Callum McGregor, a guy who should be treated as our prized asset, our star man and the best midfielder in the country, and shunted him to left back in a move that can only be assumed was an Extreme Poll.
‘£500,000 from the Tierney money but you play Callum McGregor out of position tonight and see what happens - Take it or Leave it?’
‘Might as well get paid for it’ was clearly Lennon’s response there.
Despite being 1-0 down at half time, I thought we’d do what we usually do and start taking the game seriously after getting booed off the park.
We certainly did, but so did Cluj, taking advantage of horrendous errors from Scott Brown and Scott Bain to run out 4-3 winners on the night, and 5-4 on aggregate.
Now, this is where I try and convince you I am no longer brainwashed, even though I do think we will win 10-0 on Saturday against Dunfermline.
Before this evening’s result, I expected a tough game at Ibrox in September, but ultimately a win for us, setting the tone for nine in a row.
Now ? Anything but. I’m fearful for us if we do not sort out the mess of a defence, the fact that we have more disposable wingers than the Luftwaffe, and now potentially big dog players on the phone to agents for moves away this window, or in January, with missing out on CL football.
Yet again, from a position of strength, we have given our rivals hope, instead of blowing them out of the water, and if we do not figure out our best eleven, and formation, instead of this back of a fag packet last minute crap we’re doing at the moment, we’re screwed this season.
How ironic that the trigger song for a successful brainwashing was ‘Relax’ , because it’s the last thing I can do tonight when I think about Celtic FC.